Hello mother, Hello father,
Your son at Hogwarts is treading water.
In a house of heathen serpents,
It sure is hard to get along here without servants.

Here the brooms are meant for flying,
And I got on without dying.
Flying higher than a swallow,
Isn't hard until you have to come back down, though.

Long ago my tutor told me,
Books with pictures are a folly.
Here the pictures move and chatter,
I think they watch me when I go to tend my bladder.

If there's something that you should hear,
Magic is no holy career.
I know you meant well when you sent me,
But I still think I'd do better in the Navy.

Take me home, oh mother, father,
Take me home, this place is torture.
There's heresy 'round every corner,
And the castle's built upon disorder.

Back at home, I'd focus myself on
More prayer, and make myself a
Good sailor. It's impossible to think
I've been here one whole week.

Dearest father, Dearest mother,
Send my wishes to Grandfather.
Did he know that the library,
Uses bibles just for extra stationery?

This I write you most sincerely,
Other students mainly fear me.
Just one or two have no aversion,
Perhaps I'll make them candidates for a conversion.