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Witch Weekly · October 27, 2020 – 12:31 AM

Why Aren’t They Married Yet?

Much is made of our old maids when they cannot find a husband in society, but perhaps they are not entirely to blame. Below are ten of the men who, by all rights, should have made someone a husband by now — but what could possibly be holding these bachelors back? What are they waiting for?

Mr. Quincey Honeyduke. At thirty-three, the proprietor of a much-beloved Hogsmeade business may have had some courtship prospects in the past, but none that have truly lasted. Why is that? Most likely: he is too easily distracted. Demand commitment from him.

Mr. Lionel Lupin. A former auror and current Head of the Department of Investigation, Mr. Lupin is securely positioned professionally, of pure blood, and nearing forty. Why then was he not married years ago? Most likely: harbouring a dark secret. Best investigate first.

Mr. Benedict Sterling. A dashing gentleman with a dangerous career, Mr. Sterling was once often seen out in the company of young ladies but, at thirty-eight, appears to have given up on finding a wife. Most likely: his amnesia troubles have made him forget how to talk to women. Better approach him first.

Mr. Felix Prewett. He may have brothers yet unmarried, but with a mother like his and a career hardly going to set him apart, Mr. Prewett’s best chances of doing well for himself are by marrying a charming heiress, sooner rather than later. Most likely: picky. Seduce him with a juicy secret.

Mr. Zachariah Binns. Open-minded and kind-hearted, Mr. Binns has a stable business, a warm demeanour and no marriage prospects at thirty-six. Why can no one worm their way to this bookworm’s heart? Most likely: more interested in men. Appeal to his love of the written word, and try making any romantic overtures by letter.

Mr. Emrys Selwyn. Also nearing forty without making any advances towards having a family, Mr. Selwyn owns a shipping business, invests and even hosts occasional parties, but nonetheless keeps himself to himself. Most likely: having a scandalous affair. Blackmail might work wonders.

Mr. August Echelon-Arnost. At thirty-four, it must only be Mr. Echelon-Arnost’s guardedness of his heart keeping him from marrying. Quite the idealist, he would make for a caring husband if one could get him to open up. Most likely: just shy. Make the first move.

Mr. Aldous Crouch. Thirty-five and aided by a cane, Mr. Crouch is surely still a catch, responsible, gentle and just. Most likely: has been forced deep in debt by his brother’s misconduct, and needs a rich young lady to spare the family name. Show that you can take care of him, and lend him some money.

Mr. Gerald Abbott. Only twenty-eight, Auror Mr. Abbott still has time on his side and seems mature in character, but will a debutante ever capture his heart? Most likely: prefers older women. If you are under forty-five, don’t waste your time trying to catch his attention.

Mr. Finnian Byrne. Though he once intended, like some of his family members, to be an Auror, Mr. Byrne did not pass his training and instead became a lawyer. Though he was no prodigy, at thirty-three he seems to have warmed to his career at last but renounced the path of marriage. Most likely: in love with his work. Invent an issue that requires legal assistance and you are sure to gain his interest.

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Issue #245 - Why Aren’t They Married Yet?