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Witch Weekly · April 1, 2018 – 2:26 PM

4 Scandals Our Seers Have Predicted For This Season

The items below haven't actually happened... yet. Our highly reliable divination team has predicted that they are imminent, however, so stay tuned for more detailed coverage whenever they do occur! Each of these has the potential to be the talk of the town, but don't forget you heard it here first!

Howell Merrick Revealed To Be Married — Twice!

Mr. Merrick, whom readers will remember as one of our bachelors to avoid from last week's issue, may not be a bachelor after all. We believe some dramatic revelations are in store for this gentleman of leisure — more than one, in fact! After his first wife comes to light (with, we believe, probably several children), the press attention will cause his second — bigamously married, though of course she doesn't know that yet — to come forward. The resulting struggle between the two women and their offspring will likely fill the scandal section of the paper for months!

Ministry Falls Prey To Veela
Without delving too much into the political realm, all of our well-bred readers are doubtless already aware of the recent changes to the laws concerning how non-humans and humans interact (particularly the marriage ban). Followers of current events have likely already surmised that more changes are on the way following the attack on Mr. Albert Pettigrew in London this month. What no one has foreseen, prior to this article, is the response these new laws will solicit from the veela themselves — a hoard of them will descend upon the Ministry in protest, sending the entirety of wizarding Britain into chaos while the handful of working women in the government attempt to set things back to rights. At least two high-ranking Ministry officials are set to fall prey to the wicked creatures' charms, though we cannot yet tell exactly who! Hopefully the Minister himself is spared such an awful embarrassment!

Elladora Black's Sudden Convalescence
This one may be a bit hard to spot when it occurs, as the spinster sister of Headmaster Phineas Black is hardly known for being a social butterfly in her normal day-to-day life. We can foresee, however, that she will become much more reclusive at some point in the coming year — in a way that prevents her stomach from being seen for several months, if you can believe it! While the absence will most likely be disguised as an illness or a trip abroad, our loyal readers will already know the truth of the matter. Of course, after what was revealed about her affinity for a certain gentleman earlier this year, can anyone truly claim to be surprised?

Van Helsings Murder Pale Woman Mistaken For Vampire

The Van Helsings' "family business" has been the subject of much speculation in the realm of what is morally and legally permissible, but this social season the boundaries will be pushed to their limit when one of the Van Helsing girls will murder, in full view of the public, a wealthy socialite. The exact details of whom are not yet known, but our diviners have determined that the woman's gaunt complexion will be the primary defense used by the Van Helsings, who will have claim she had recently become a vampire. The resulting argument between the Van Helsings and the victim's family over whether or not the victim was, in fact, human, will bog down the courts for weeks and presented the Crime of the Century trial to follow — or at the very least, the criminal court drama of the year.

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